How did i get so huge?

Question speaks for itself, i used to be small now im large ive always eaten shitty and been pretty lazy, my girlfriend is hot and way out of my league if i continue to gain weight she will leave me, i want real answers here not " dieting " or " exercise " i want the real ****, how do i puke the weight off or stab some sort of syringe into my *** and turn it into man muscle? additional information: i dont want to look like jaba the hut anymore i wanna be like jason statham in 2 months tops